


To Change the Story

by Cronch (SmolAndDepressed)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, I know that frustration, I wrote some of these during midterms, I wrote this to be unhappy, I'm gonna make it sad soon, I'm trying not to make anxiety cute, It's cute for a bit, Jared mistakes feelings for mistrust, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sorry mina, This doesn't end happy'all, casual highshool angst, evidently it's just boys being cute for like........6 chapters, little different
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 01:38:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11475897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmolAndDepressed/pseuds/Cronch
Summary: Dear Evan Hansen from Jared's perspective.(I restarted)





	1. Prologue

It is a fact universally acknowledged that those who have a lot going on in their heads will be worse at expressing those thoughts in an easily understandable way. The minds of the verbally troubled are often more colorful than that of a quick-tongued social snake. Separating those with more complex thoughts(along with ideals and fears) from those of basic simplicity is near impossible. What people need to do, but don’t do often enough, is try to see what others do.


	2. Trust

So what if he hadn’t had a proper heart-to-heart with his family in ages? Even if he’d tried, his parents wouldn't even listen. Whatever. He’d heard the whispered threats, the “Tell him tomorrows,”and he could tell, even in the dark of an empty house, his parents lost the first-love magic. Jared was soon to be a child of two last names.  
  
He, for years, distracted his summers with nights--weeks-- at different summer camp coaching jobs, and if he could, at other people’s houses. They were always a little nervous when he left, except for his one closest(and yet farthest-off) friend.  
  
Evan wasn’t even a friend, not really. Real friends meet by chance don’t they? Real friends don’t meet because their mothers told them to. Family friends are different from real friends. That’s what he’s always believed, and that’s what he’d always tried to keep crystal-clear between him and Evan.  
  
Jared didn’t trust Evan. He was always so quiet, it was unsettling. He never openly took this Hansen freak seriously, because why should he? Evan always seemed to hold back what he wanted to say, it was visible only in his eyes. Jared held back from Evan, trying to pressure something out of him from a safe emotional distance. Insults, sarcasm, relentless teasing. It never seemed to work, it closer to going in reverse. He pushed Evan away, which made him, in turn, want to trust Jared less, and drove him away.  
  
It drove the both of them to just about madness.


	3. Something Wrong

Connor Murphy’s death wasn’t really a shock to anyone, not even his family. The freshman freaked the fuck out, but nobody else. Not even his family. The day went on as it normally did, shouting, boring lectures, the routine emotional breakdown at lunch.  
  
Although it was hard to pinpoint exactly what it was, Jared felt that something was off. He hadn’t the energy to try and figure it out, but it struck him during attendance in fifth period.  
  
 _Evan wasn’t there._  
  
That was pretty worrying, more so than the announcement that Connor bought the farm. He didn’t trust Evan for one simple reason: he was too enigmatic for Jared’s taste. He felt uneasy, something was wrong, Evan only ever skipped hours in his day if he was coughing up lungs.  
  
He wasn’t worried  about Evan, not directly. He was just tired, _that’s_ why he was going home early. That’s what he told himself. He couldn’t explain why he checked his messages every few minutes, or the odd sense of relief when Evan actually sent anything.  
  
The actual content of the message took all of that away.  
 _Help me, I made a mistake._


	4. Darling Reactions

It was a pretty fucking big mistake, closer to a massive screw-up, a catastrophic, potentially dangerous fuck-up. Selling memorial buttons was one thing, but this? Hoo boy.  
  
Evan was seriously fucked up in his head to dream this up. Sure Jared told Evan to just go with the flow of things, not make up an entire romantic relationship. Seriously, what the fuck?  
  
The things Evan dreamed up, Jesus Christ. He wanted(well, more or less needed) Jared to help save his integrity. Jared would get paid, sure. _You’re buying my poverty, not my will._ He had to--get this-- write fake fucking emails trying to convince the still grieving Murphy family that Evan and the late Connor were close but not in the gay way.  
  
He didn’t like lying, but he would do it for twenty dollars and a peek into Evan’s mind. He was a decent writer, he thought. He had to work a few things in, something subtle to test his beliefs and general intelligence, and something bold and indecent to see his reactions.  
  
 _Dear Evan Hansen,_  
 _My mind and body ache when we’re apart..._  
  
It was the third or fifth draft of the seventh email, and the reaction was most darling. He might have a bruise on his arm, but that _laugh_.He made the damsel in distress laugh, and it made Jared smile. It was a pretty great feeling, to say the least.  
  
“Oh my God, Jared. You are _not_ putting that in.”  
“Fucking try to stop me.”


	5. Stained Glass

They had fun, or at least Jared did. He’d found a moment of weakness and twisted it all up to the point where Evan actually had to step away from the computer. That was when everything got _really_ interesting.  
  
Evan chose to sit on the bed, and he was quiet for a long while. Jared looked over and caught him shaking, wiping at his eyes. That wasn’t part of the plan, not until a few months later, at least. Whatever. Improvisation couldn’t be all that hard.  
  
Jared stood up and cautiously, slowly made his way over to his bed. “Can I sit with you?” He felt guilty, like he’d broken a stained-glass window, which shocked him. He figured that if something like this ever happened, it would feel more like isolating some sort of rare species; why was it so much _more_ than that?


	6. To Bleed This Way

He didn’t know how, but Jared ended up with a growing tear stain on his shoulder and crying broken bits of stained glass holding on to him. Little drops of colored worry rolled off of Evan’s shoulders as they shook. Jared watched in awe, he’d never seen this side of him before.  
  
It was almost a nice feeling. He’d broken through, and he found what he was looking for- a way in. At the same time, however, he’d done irreparable damage to what he assumed was a temporary one-way trust. He just held on to the melted shards, however much it burned his skin.  
  
Jared found himself crying, too. It shocked him that someone so distant from him can have this effect on him. He hated most of what was going on, but part of his mind wanted it to stay, this feeling.  
  
He pulled back to smile weakly at Evan, feeling his own colors drip down. Was it such a bad thing to bleed this way?


	7. Stupid, Stupid, and More Fucking Stupid

Although it scared him half out of his wits, he stayed with Evan. He sat back against the headboard pulling his legs up onto the bed. He let Evan lay next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder, rubbing mindless patterns into his arm.  
  
Seeing into this side intrigued Jared immensely, captivated him. It was kind of like watching a chemical reaction, you’d never be sure of the result. He looked through all of the newly present details about Evan.  
  
He seemed to just _know_ how to cry. He was quiet about it,  he barely even made any noise. There was an odd sense of calm in what Evan was doing that really got him off guard. He sat there and watched, humming softly to him.  
  
At least until he caught himself.  Jared shoved himself away and walked out of the room, wiping at his eyes. _Stupid, stupid, and more fucking stupid._


	8. Stay?

And just like that, it was over. Jared pushed Evan off, and shut his laptop. He picked it up, walking over to the bed, not really able to find proper words.  
“See you around, kiddo.” Jared held out a hand and ruffled Evan’s hair. Evan looked up, reaching to  grab wrist.  
“Stay?” Another tear slipped down his cheek, which made Jared sigh.  
“Can’t."


	9. Tan Grande

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit it's 2018

It was easiest to ignore when they were at school; they would only have to be together for a little under two hours. They only had two classes together. They didn’t have the same lunch period. They only had to avoid each other in first and seventh period.  
  
For about a week, and only a week.  
Jared suspected that Sra. Beñado knew something was up between them. Maybe it was because they weren’t swearing at each other in Spanish much anymore, maybe it was because neither of them even looked at each other. Who knows?  
  
One way or the other they were paired up for the short video skit.  
The one that they weren’t allowed to work much in class on because they were studying th subjunctive tense.  
So Sra. Beñado forced them into a tough spot.  
They could pretend that it hadn’t happened, or one of them would crack and attempt to talk it through. He’d be damned if he would be the one to break.

So Jared sat at home, absolutely dreading the next hour he’d have to spend with Evan. He already had a pretty solid idea of how it would all happen.  
Evan would write  few lines of script, have some sort of nervous breakdown over the preterit and imperfect tenses, over which one to use. Maybe he’d get a call from his mother and go running off to her for one of his stupid reasons, only after apologizing excessively.  
  
Although, that isn’t what happened.  
Zoe called.  
Fucking _Zoe_ called. Well, Evan just went figuratively insane for that. He stepped into the hall three words into the script writing.  
‘ _Ahora, nosotros tenemos’_  
 _“Tenemos una problema tan grande. Demasiado grande_ ,” he whispered to himself. He rubbed his eyes and shut the laptop loudly.  
He wouldn’t fucking break over a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahora nosotros tenemos- now we have
> 
> Ahora tenemos una problema tan grande. Demasiado grande- now we have a big problem. Too big.


	10. Whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's fuckin' midterms  
> Meaning  
> Less updates and more spelling/grammar errors

Evan didn’t come back to Jared’s room after he put his jacket on.

"I've gotta go someplace for dinner. I'm sorry. I can come back after if you want?"

"Whatever, man. I'll be done by the time you're through." He left off a possible trail of insults. Jared didn't have the energy to try, which looked like it took Evan by surprise.

Yeah, it was irritating, but what could Jared have done? What did it matter to him that Evan had found _actual_ people that listen to him when he speaks?

Well, it mattered because he’d always listened, too. He’d noticed the times when Evan thought nobody was paying any attention to him and just stopped talking, mid-sentence. He'd seen a few times where he spent all day just not saying anything. Jared saw the agitation that seemed to make Evan's skin crawl when somebody would walk off while he was talking to them. One time he'd caught Evan scribbling on his hands- no, all the way up his arms when he had no paper.

He'd been able to read a little of it. It was a good few minutes before he'd recognized where he'd heard those words before.

_Hey, I'm Evan. Yeah, she just told me. I'm supposed to show you around? ...Yeah, she just told me; I'm not deaf._

It was the conversation from years ago when Jared moved in from Michigan. How old were they then, like seven? It was the middle of the school year, and it was from when he'd first met Evan. There were other sentences, ones that Jared didn't recognize. It messed up his mind for the rest of the day.

He’d been able to tell the bad days from the good ones.  
  
But whatever. He’d let Evan run off to his little makeshift family.  
He’d pretend like he could stop it all if he’d wanted to.  
  
He swallowed his irritation and finished the script for the Spanish presentation. He made sure to make it all complex with all different verb tenses, but only in Evan’s lines. He wanted Evan to fuck it up for some sick reason he couldn’t identify.  
  
Whatever.


	11. Fear

Okay, so he may have overreacted a _little_ bit, Jared could see how somebody could look at it that way. But he also saw himself as perfectly justified. The person that he knew most about was slipping away from him. He’d dropped the fee on the eMail sessions.  More and more time with the Murphy family, less and less time with him.  
The only pause in the cycle of lies was after Evan kissed Zoe.  
_He fucking kissed Zoe._  
That weird pain in his chest had to be fear, that much he knew. Fear of what?  
He felt like it was just a general fear of losing yet another person from his life.  
He assured himself that, no, Evan wouldn’t leave. He twisted himself into Evan’s life into as close to an indispensable position as possible.  
It was just that Evan was _kissing_ someone made him queasy and he hadn’t the slightest clue why.


	12. I'm Closer

Sometimes, it was hard to move in the mornings. Those were days with warm blankets and the radio playing softly in the background.  
Today was no such day for Jared. He woke up to  a soft thud, and a distinct lack of blankets.  
It’s probably just Thor, he told himself. Damn cat can barely walk straight anyway.  
The following groan was impossible to blame on the cat; it was too human, and Thor never so much as squeaked if he fell.  
Jared slowly rose up out of his(someone else’s?) bed and looked out the side opposite to him.  
Evan just lay there on the floor, looking displeased and irritated a if the bed had committed some sort of personal offense. He'd taken all the blankets down with him, so the fall couldn’t have hurt all too much.  
“Gravity sends its morning greetings,” Jared mumbled as he reached toward the nightstand that Evan was very lucky to miss on the way down. “What time is it?”  
  
Evan squinted at his alarm clock, the red light doing nothing for the newly-awakened look of messed-up hair and scowl. Jared didn’t like it all that much, that expression. He’d preferred it when Evan smiled. “Like... three in the morning.” He sat up and rubbed his eyes with a yawn. Just like when they were little kids.  
  
“What the fuck are you still doing on the floor? C’mere.” Jared held out a hand, watching Evan through half-closed eyes. It burned a little bit where Evan’s skin met his. The curse of the liars, he told himself, nothing more.  
Evan pulled himself up onto the bed, practically collapsing when he was all the way on. He stirred a little when Jared nudged him. “Blankets.”  
  
Evan shook his head, rolling onto his stomach, almost uncomfortably close to Jared. “No, I’m warm. You’re warm. Go to sleep.”  
“What? No, I’m freezing.”  
“Get the damn blankets yourself.”  
Jared groaned as his muscles tensed in protest as he sat up and stretched. He heard Evan shift on the bed, feeling a hand grab his wrist. “Lay down. I’m closer.”


	13. Chapter 13

The next time Jared woke up, it was better. Evan’s hand was resting on his chest, his forehead against his shoulder. Jared’s glasses dug uncomfortably into his nose, but he didn’t want to move. He was warm and kind of happy. Evan stirred after about forty-five minutes of fake sleeping, clenching and unclenching his hands, inadvertently pulling at Jared’s shirt. He pushed himself up, giving Jared an excuse to ‘wake up.’  
Jared finally fixed his glasses, sitting up. Evan leaned up against his shoulder. Jared raised his eyebrows at that, but said nothing. It was nice and warm. Like when they were little. He hesitated before draping his arms loosely and awkwardly just a little bit above Evan’s hips. “Good morning.”  
“I don’t want to be awake right now,” Evan mumbled into Jared. “My head hurts.”  
“Go back to sleep, then.”  
Evan scooted closer, pulling himself right up to Jared, who shifted uncomfortably. Evan was very close, and he frowned at his unwillingness to let go. He didn’t fucking understand himself anymore.  
“Will you stay with me this time?”  
This time kind of hurt, which got on Jared’s nerves, pushing farther into unease. “I’ve got a test Monday. Gotta study.”  
“But... no.” Evan frowned up at Jared through glassy, tired eyes.  
Jared snickered, shaking his head. “While I admire your flawless reasoning, I’m not bringing down my grade because of a headache.”  
“Migraine,” Evan corrected.  
“No difference!”  
“It hurts more.” There was a slight pause while Jared watched Evan’s face.  
“Stop looking pitiful." Evan opened his mouth to protest, making a discontented squeak as Jared cut him off. “And before you start, no matter how many times you say please, I’m not changing my mind.”  
Evan nodded quickly, looking like he’d regretted both moving and asking in the first place. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, laying back down, biting his cheek, presumably to stop from groaning.  
Jared freed himself from Evan and went downstairs. His head was spinning a few minutes into his study session. He’d been able to grasp the basics of cellular respiration and biosynthesis since Freshman year. It shouldn’t be this hard right now.


	14. Almost Normal Again

The twinkle in Evan’s eyes had faded. It was a gradual loss, but a loss that Jared mourned nonetheless.  
The twisting in his gut talking about Zoe faded to a gentle, almost forgotten pulsing close to his heart. Nothing more than an almost-memory. Jared could actually see how someone would think she was pretty.  
Not that he had a thing for her. He spent the last six-ish months or more loathing her very existence. She was pretty though. Her eyes were nicer than her personality, he thought.  
Jared could find more and more guilt-free excuses to get away from Evan. Insults flowed easier, life was back to the way it was before.  
Evan, evidently, hated that.


	15. You Know I'm Right

At first, Jared thought Evan’s outburst was a joke. Some sick, confident play to tease Jared about his self-worth. The words, Jared found, had a certain betraying bite to them, a bitter aftertaste. Evan’s dull eyes without sparkle held tears. Evan wasn’t even fighting a smile, he was glaring.   
Every bitter word, every spat feeling was genuine.  
  
 _‘You don’t have any other friends.And-and I know you heard me! You can’t pretend that I’m not right.’_  
Jared never felt so alone since the moment he realized Evan was shooting truth.  
 _‘Wh--? At least I don’t have--I do have--’_   Words were tripping over themselves. Sobs were threatening to show themselves, clawing up his throat in painful distortions of breaths.  
 _‘I don’t even need you anymore, Hansen.'_


	16. Then It Started to Hurt Less

It turns out Jared was right. He didn’t need Evan.  
He didn’t need lying, screaming, crying, quiet Evan.  
It still hurt. Just a little.  
On graduation day, the last time he saw Evan, Jared followed him to the stage and kissed him. A lot. In front of everyone.  
Then it started to hurt less.

Evan kissed him back. A lot. In front of everyone. They let out whispered apologies and took in quiet forgiveness.

The last word to each other were _closure._

 _"Closure?_ " Evan asked, a little out of breath.

" _Closure."_ Then Jared kissed Evan's forehead, his nose, his lips. " _Closure"_


End file.
